Love, Acceptance and Rejection

It’s wonderful that we learn. A friend once said there’s no worse insult than hearing, “Wow! You haven’t changed a bit!” Sometimes it can feel like things will never be different; and just as easily it can feel like things change within the blink of an eye. It just goes to show how flexible our perception of reality really is. For all those wishing things had been different this February, I give you (in no particular order), my:

10 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Love

1. If it’s now or never, it’s probably better to go with later.

Totally. On average, humans are living about 28,500 days. This would mean that what you do on a given day could only account for about 0.0035% of your life’s memory. It’s amazing, isn’t it? How despite the brevity of our time in any place with any company on a given day, what we experience can have lasting effects (for better or for worse!). While I’ve found taking risks can leave me with wonderful memories that serve my sense of faith and purpose in this world, if someone’s pressuring me to do something… it’s almost never worth it. Having grown up with poor boundaries, my number thing I wish someone had told me is, “If someone’s telling you there’s never going to be another opportunity after tonight, implying that you’re going to regret it if you don’t jump on some offer, ask yourself how important will that day’s *possible* events be in 50 days? 500 days? 5,000 days from now? And, if following through with the opportunity you find you had compromised your values, how would it fuel your sense of shame for days, weeks, or years to come?” For folks who need time to process how they’re really feeling about something, when it comes to ‘now or never,’ it’s probably better to go with, “Later, dude.”

2. Relationships aren’t reflections of what we deserve, but perhaps what we feel we deserve.

This one took me so long to learn. I thought I had to earn respect; and when I wasn’t getting it, I thought it meant I hadn’t yet earned it. I took failing relationships to be a reflection of my insufficiency. But the truth is, we get what we accept. And guess what? You deserve the very best in life. Are you willing to accept it? What gets in your way? I wish someone had told me, “Only you can close the door on inviting in relationships that deflate you, that leave you feeling ashamed, unseen or unheard.”

This is a tough one to belief for people who have only experienced these negative emotions in close relationship. In those times, it may be worth practicing some Louise Hay magic in saying, “I recognize ‘I can’t find a relationship that leaves me feeling whole, seen, or loved’ is a thought; and thoughts can change.'” When the mind changes, our perception changes; and when our perception changes, our life changes.

3. Just because you have sexual feelings for someone doesn’t mean you need to act them out.

Oh, boy. How did I not learn this until way late in the game? I think I thought sexual feelings were traffic lights. Green: Go! Red: Abort, abort!! No one ever told me that sexual feelings are just indications that there’s a quality about a person you value. What? Yea, let me say it again. When you feel attracted to someone, you might just really value their confidence, or their sense of humor. Doesn’t mean you have to act on it. And it really doesn’t mean that they’re a good match for you. (WOW!!)

Sexual feelings are just that– feelings, not meaning. Take your signs of attraction as an opportunity to get in touch with the qualities you think are desirable. Are they qualities you’d like to embody more or be in touch with more? Go for it! Enjoy the feelings of attraction and excitement. They are your creative force! They put you in touch with the very essence of life. But before you go getting it on with anyone, look at their other qualities… are they equally appealing? Do their values match yours?

4. Love and freedom can’t be forced.

There is a dynamic of pulling and pushing between love and freedom. Love’s embrace can restrict freedom’s reach; but love’s encouragement can also send freedom roaring boundless. Without freedom, love can feel smothered. With freedom, love feels overflowing-abundant. Truth is, we can’t force either. We can’t force someone to love us; and we can’t force someone to set us free. It’s a balance. Whether it looks like dancing or fighting, we have to remember we all need the same love, the same freedom. If you want more freedom, give more love. If you want more love, give more freedom. If you can’t give more freedom without feeling unsafe, you probably need more love. Not getting it? Go back to #2, #3, #6, #9… heck, maybe re-read everything else here. 😉

For more on this subject, see #1 and #10.

5. It doesn’t really matter whether you like something or not.

Recently, I’ve been sitting with the fact that, barring abuse, whether or not I truly like something doesn’t really matter. I mean, of course it matters to me; but in the big picture, it doesn’t stop the world from turning; it doesn’t define good or bad in the dictionary. You know? So sometimes, it’s worth just knowing you don’t like something or knowing you would do things differently and being OK with that. Just as we don’t define the world with our likes and dislikes, other people don’t define us when they choose to be or not to be with us romantically.

6. Your partner isn’t a village.

This is an amazingly obvious fact that is so easy to forget in our society. When I lived in New York, I loved the fact that everything came in single servings. It was common to go through life completely isolated, while immersed in a sea of 8-million people. You start to forget we need each other. Then, when you meet that special someone, as they gain your confidence, you start to give them more and more shoes to wear. You ask that they become your lover, your friend, your spiritual counselor, your advocate, teacher, caretaker, homemaker, etc. Truth is, your partner isn’t a village; your partner at most has only two hands and can only wear one pair of shoes at a time. It doesn’t make them a failure if they can’t be your everything. It makes them human. So, remember your friends, your spirituality, your interests; and let them flourish side-by-side with your relationship. Learn to ask for and accept help; learn to lean on all the pillars in your life when times get rough. You’ll find you have much more support than you thought.

7. We don’t find better partners, we become better lovers.

Better lovers of ourselves, that is. The more we treat ourselves with kindness, the more we invite the same from the universe and our lovers. All those days I thought I was at the mercy of the universe, waiting for some perfect person to come along; I wish someone had told me then, “There is no Mr./Mrs. Right, there is only right now: How do I choose to know kindness? How do I choose to see and feel love?” Love is a cultivation practice; and sometimes the greatest act of love is letting go, especially of relationships that leave you feeling deflated, ashamed, unseen or unheard.

8. Everyone is hot.

When you start to see people–really see them–you start to see how amazing they are. Each has their own way, their own expression, their own hopes and inner richness. It can be intoxicating just to feel and to know the world of another. Just going about your day knowing that everyone you meet is hot in their own way makes life way more enjoyable. (In my opinion, that is.)

For more on this subject, see #3 and #5.

9. It’s not personal.

One of the three things that differentiate pessimists from optimists is whether or not they take things personally. And you know what – so much of it isn’t personal. What if in every communication, we understood what someone was saying to reflect their current emotions and needs rather than taking it as a judgment of who or what we should be or be doing? Ah yes, wish someone had told me that in my twenties….

10. Good things take time.

Growing up in a society deeply steeped in instant gratification, we can easily forget it takes time to build trust. It takes time to build respect. Every day we spend alone is another day we can build trust in our abilities, our dreams and our desires. And every day we spend in a love relationship, is another day we get to learn respect for life beyond what we know and believe in our brains and bodies. Both are equally important. Don’t rush it! Steep in self-satisfaction, in being enough, in being love, in being freedom, in seeing others in all their beauty, without the need to control every moment. In time, you’ll share something even better than you had ever imagined with exactly the right person at the right time and the result will be astonishing. It may not feel that way, when you’re sitting there wishing things were different; but I promise you the whole universe is with you, supporting you. Find your heart’s truth, and accept what you deserve: The very best in life.

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Having trouble processing your emotions on the matter? Come on in for a Reiki session. Enjoy love, light and insight!

Confidence

Lately, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about confidence. What is it? How do we get it? How is it dashed? How is it different from self-esteem, if at all? Even searching for a photo to go with this post, I was struck by wide range of images people associated with confidence on Flickr (see above): children, smiling faces, knowledge, and sexual body language. Shouldn’t be too surprising, really — Merriam-Webster cites confidence as everything from a “quality or state of being certain,” to “faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way,” to even simply the “feeling or consciousness of one’s powers.” Still the fact that a child’s face and a topless man’s bicep can be used to impart the same sentiment is kind of mind-blowing to me, in this case.

Alright, so we’re starting to get a sense that confidence can range from a quality of being, to faith in one’s ability, to a feeling or awareness of one’s own power. And when don’t we feel our own power? When we give it away! Even in the dictionary we find opportunities to lose our sense of self: What does it mean to be right, or proper? To be effective? Right here it would be easy to insert, “what other people deem” before any one of these assessments. For example, confidence is “a faith or belief that one will act in a [way that other people deem is] right, proper or effective.” Yikes! That looks like a recipe for disaster. We could spend our whole lives running around trying to be and do what we thought other people viewed as right or effective. Obviously, I’m not encouraging anarchy here – everyone for his/herself!! No, there is a way to be one’s own self and yet remain harmonious in our actions; we can always find and choose strategies that are effective in getting everyone’s needs met.

Is confidence the same thing as self-esteem? Some people talk about confidence as the facade, and self-esteem what exists under the veil. But I think we find something much more interesting when we go back to good ol’ Merriam-Webster; they define self-esteem as “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself,” a synonym for “self-respect.” Wow!! Alright, now we’re talking!! Here find the sense that “I know my strength, my power; and I am enough.” Powerful stuff! I suppose it would be completely possible to be in touch with one’s power [read: confident], and to still have the false belief that it isn’t enough [read: low self-esteem]. So, how can cultivate a sense of abundance, a sense of our own subjective-and-harmonious strength and effectiveness as we navigate our way through the world? We can work with our physical, mental and emotional bodies.

Our Navel or Solar Plexus energy center holds our sense of Self.

In energy work, personal power is associated with the 3rd chakra, or ‘Solar Plexus’ energy center. This center is located between the umbilicus and the lower rib cage. It makes sense, then, that when we feel most ashamed or disempowered, we feel “hurt in the gut.” We also tend to gain weight when we feel vulnerable in this way, especially around our abdomen, as a way to physically create distance between us and the world. (This is not to say that everyone who is overweight has these feelings; this is simply an example of possible outward expression for what we feel internally.) This is our physical body reflecting our emotional experience. We can work to build confidence right here, from the outside-in. Simply strengthening our abdominal muscles can help translate to a stronger sense of one’s own power.

From the inside-out, we have to work to release old stories of how we’re not enough, how we’re undeserving of the very best in life, how it’s not safe to be our self. And we have to find confidence [read: certainty] in the knowing that we can create conditions of safety for our self; that we are deserving simply through our being, not our doing. Ultimately, we must come back time and time again to the unwavering truth that we are enough. Affirmations are very helpful for this practice.

Louise Hay talks about anger and fear as the root of ailment. To cultivate true confidence and self-respect, we must let go of these energy drains. We have to forgive and to step into our truth. Return the center of power to your person; be the active agent. See how it feels to know you are enough; how do you perceive people differently? Do you find your interactions with others reveal more about how they are feeling than about your worth?

In going back to the Flickr photos, do you see self-satisfied confidence differently now? Which images convey “I am enough, just as I am;” and which convey, “I am just what you want me to be”?

ps. Want to learn more about your energy body and how to support it? Join us for our next Reiki I class April 17 – Jun 12, 2013.

A Sweet Life

With life comes the opportunity to create, to stand in awe, to contribute, to receive. It often also comes with bills, stress, and inconveniences… illness, death, and great suffering. We are bombarded with images and stories on the news and internet of the injustices occurring around the world. It would be hard not to have a visceral response to so much suffering. So, how and where do we find sweetness in this life? Can we still feel good about indulging in it?

Renowned author and self-help veteran, Louise Hay has long bridged the gap between body and mind. Her first book on the subject, Heal Your Body, was published in 1976 and is still one of my favorite books to recommend to patients. It’s more of an index than anything, in which she lists the mental causes for various ailments/illnesses and affirmations one can use to heal them. The belief is, what you concentrate on, you become. This is a common theme seen often over the last few years– what with The Secret and the renewed interest in the Law of Attraction; but it can be seen earlier, as in Napolean Hill’s works of the 1920s and 30s (e.g. Think and Grow Rich). In this book Hay writes that feeling “longing for what might have been,”–or that there is “no sweetness left” may in fact contribute to a disease of sugar imbalance in the body: Diabetes. The statistics on this disease are astounding–with over 25% of people over the age 65 experiencing symptoms; and the numbers grow among populations known to face considerably more discrimination than non-Hispanic whites. Coincidence?

We all know eating sugar isn’t going to fix our problems, but it sure can feel comforting in the face of stress! The truth is it’s not uncommon that when our need for ease, joy and celebration goes unmet, we often turn to coping mechanisms. For many, this means indulging in food, or other pleasure-producing activities. And the big companies are aware of our inherent need for sweetness as they plump up our foods with corn syrups–high fructose corn syrup (see below).

People think they can cheat the system with artificial sweeteners – but the studies are showing low-glycemic sugars are only bitter-sweet. I recently read this great article by Marlene Merritt, DOM, LAc, ACN, “Think Fructose is Safe? Think Again,” in which she explains how fructose is processed through the liver, unlike glucose. Since fructose never triggers insulin, the body doesn’t know when it’s full. Likewise, when we eat falsely-sweet foods, our body surges out insulin in expectation of the incoming energy burst.  But when the energy burst from broken down carbohydrates never comes– we just end up craving them instead [to balance our insulin overload].

While the cause of sugar craving can be explained with a longing in life, or basic science, Traditional Chinese Medicine looks at the relationship of organs involved and their level of functioning. When our body is running optimally, and our emotions even, health naturally follows.

The best way to enjoy a sweet life? Love, share gratitude, extend kindness–and when necessary, see your acupuncturist.

PS. Some suggest that the “first” artificial sweetener may have led [note the pun] to the fall of the Roman Empire – too bad the article didn’t also mention how aspartame breaks down into formaldehyde in the body…